Sleepless Nights...ARG!

Last night I spent several hours cooking apple crisp, peach cobbler, 2 cheesecakes and summer sausage for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house this after noon.  I was tired, but found it difficult to fall asleep.  After only 2 hours of sleep, here I am wide awake at 2:44am.  It's at these times that my OCD tends to take over.  I woke up having a difficult time taking a deep breath and in my panic, I ran through my usual list of reasons only to come to the conclusion that I may be dying.  Yep, dying...one of my many obsessions.  As I sit here, I'm torn between taking a Ambien to help me sleep and just staying up.  I have a fear of not waking up and leaving my family in the night.  Some nights, I will mentally try and figure out what areas of my life need to be fixed, rearranged, changed or finished to make my passing easier for my kids and husband.  I don't have a reason to obsess over dying...other than being overweight, I'm perfectly healthy with no ailments that are detrimental to my life. So, why do I do it? I wish I knew.  I took medications for a while to help me get things under control, to help with the obsessions and compulsions and the anxiety that usually follows.  While most of the symptoms eased while taking the meds, I wasn't "me" anymore.  Everything was dulled.  I had no interests, no emotions and no feelings.  Should I have kept taking them?  Maybe.  I'm sure that if one of the side effects would have been weight loss, I would have been more able to deal with the "dullness" of me...but I gained weight...only making things worse.  So, here I am, trying to reason with myself.  Trying to make myself believe that I won't die if I go back to bed and wondering if all this is bad enough for me to go back on medications.  Am I truly seeing things the way they really are or is all this just some made up "reality?"  I wish I knew.

Tree Decorating

This morning, I picked up my newest Woman's Day magazine only to find that the first article I read was about the memories one lady family had in the ornaments they hung on their tree.  I was reduced to tears.  Our home was hit by a tornado in 2003.  While we were able to salvage a lot, our storage shed and its contents were scattered as far as we could see.  We lost all of the ornaments from our kids, my childhood and my husbands childhood.  Over 6 years has past and we still have metal in and around the trees along the tornado path.  I often wonder if any of our ornaments are still scattered across the fields and woods.  I say that the memories are all gone, but my husband assures me that that the memories are still with us. I guess he's right, but holding those ornaments floods my mind with times that are long gone.  The are tied to smells and sounds and and a time when the kids were little.  Of course, we've made new memories and will continue to make more...we have lots of years ahead of us. 

Lost Hen...Found!

Our poultry situation has been very frustrating for the past year.  We have lost nearly all our chickens and 15 turkey poults.  Up until last night, we were down to only 1 cochin hen, 4 cochin roosters, 3 silkie hens and 4 chicks that hatched over the summer.  Our barred rock hen mysteriously disappeared several days ago and I have nearly drove myself crazy trying to find signs of what happened to her.  After the massive wild animal feedings over the past months, there has always been a trail to follow that sadly ended in a pile of feathers.  This time...no signs.  My oldest had tried to convince me that she hides in the yard, but I would have thought that over several days that I would have noticed her coming out to get feed and water...and I hadn't.

Our small barn is divided into 2 sides and was originally built for our silkies and bantams to keep them from being taken advantage of by the big roosters.  I'm assuming we have some very intelligent predators out here, since, despite having the doors closed, latched and locked we still lost chickens.  The interior of the barn is divided with netting and the chickens divided themselves into the two sides when roosting.  I think the last invasion was traumatic enough that the next night, all the chickens refused to go in that side.  I closed it off and blocked it more permanently until we attempted more chickens.   That was a few months back.  For some reason, last night, I opened the nest box lid and was surprised to see the missing barred rock hen!  I have no idea how she got in there and have no idea how she has survived for as many days as she has been gone with no food or water.  I felt much better until I realized that the chick that our 3 silkie hens had hatched was gone.  

Our family could easily go through a dozen eggs a day, so I'm trying to decide about hatching some now for next spring layers.  I just am not too fond of feeding the area's predators this winter, or any winter for that matter.  So, my brain is flooded with more secure housing ideas.  Decisions...decisions....

Operation Christmas Child Shoe Boxes

This year, we packed 5 shoe boxes to send for Operation Christmas Child.  We had a much higher goal, but will  have to work on it again for next year. I get so emotional thinking about putting these boxes together.  The thoughts of kids that have so little and that have never experienced a Christmas morning is overwhelming. I so wish we could do more, not just for kids around the world, but for the kids right here at home too.  I've collected items for most of the year to fill the boxes, but have shopped the last couple of days to get some final things.  It's so hard to decide what to put in.  You have so little room to put so many needs.  I hope and pray that what we send touches the heart of a little one somewhere and is used as a tool to share the love of Christ.  We look forward to receiving an email letting us know where our boxes where delivered. and maybe a note from one or more of the recipients sometime in the future.

What to do, What to do...

My attitude has been rather nasty the last couple of days.  My brain is working overtime and nothing is getting done.  We have Caitlyn's birthday in a month and the Christmas 2 weeks after that...not to mention, Thanksgiving in 2 weeks.  My house is a wreck, the home school room isn't done, we have no extra money for school supplies and curriculum.  My refrigerator is pretty much empty as are my cabinets.  We've sold walnuts, scrap metal and Troy is cleaning trucks.  I've listed some ebay and opened an Etsy store for my photographs...in addition to both our regular jobs...and still we just don't seem to make it.  I have a feeling that hurts clear through my chest that we are missing something.  A yearning deep inside that we are being told what to do and I am missing it.  What a terrible feeling!  I am trying desperately not to miss the those blessings that God gives us on a daily basis.  It's always been a passion of mine to find those things that are easily walked by.  Lately, my view on things has seemed to dim.  I'm beginning to wonder what really is important, and if I'm on the wrong path, where did I miss the turn? Hmmm, wish I had some answers. Sayin' a prayer...and waiting on HIM.

So much for my extra hour of sleep!

Well, the dogs didn't realize that we set the time back and I got waken up promply at 5:45 to take them out.  I really expected it since their normal time is between 6:45 and 7am...but....was hoping that it didn't happen.  I took the opportunity to try and get some more ornaments and pendants worked on for my Etsy shop.  I'm so hoping to find something that eventually gets noticed for a little extra income.  While working, I logged in to my Pandora account and started listening to the Dwight Yoakam station.  I just hate it when memories flood in causing you to really want to go back in time.  It doesn't take a lot of the late '80 country music to take me back to weekends at Weela Park in Racine, MO.  My sister played drums there with a band during high school on the weekends.  Gosh, I wish I were back there again!  It was a no drinking, no smoking "bar" for families.  It was completed with the dark "sawdusted" dance floor.  I learned to two-step and swing there.  I never had a date, so since Stacy was playing, I learned to dance with her boyfriend and a few 60-70 year old men.  Funny how those times in life can bring tears to your eyes.  I can still close my eyes and see all of us there, how it looked, felt and even smelled.  We learned to dance well enough that her boyfriend and I won a 2-step contest at Mining Days later on.  That was a big accomplishment for me, who never put myself in the "spotlight".  Twenty some odd years pass so quickly. I really wish I had known what we all had back then...things have changed so much. A little "Amarillo by Morning" is all it takes...and I'm back there again! We grew up with so many opportunities and tons of experiences thanks to Mom and Dad...I wish my kids were able to experience even half as much with us.