Sleepless Nights...ARG!

Last night I spent several hours cooking apple crisp, peach cobbler, 2 cheesecakes and summer sausage for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house this after noon.  I was tired, but found it difficult to fall asleep.  After only 2 hours of sleep, here I am wide awake at 2:44am.  It's at these times that my OCD tends to take over.  I woke up having a difficult time taking a deep breath and in my panic, I ran through my usual list of reasons only to come to the conclusion that I may be dying.  Yep, dying...one of my many obsessions.  As I sit here, I'm torn between taking a Ambien to help me sleep and just staying up.  I have a fear of not waking up and leaving my family in the night.  Some nights, I will mentally try and figure out what areas of my life need to be fixed, rearranged, changed or finished to make my passing easier for my kids and husband.  I don't have a reason to obsess over dying...other than being overweight, I'm perfectly healthy with no ailments that are detrimental to my life. So, why do I do it? I wish I knew.  I took medications for a while to help me get things under control, to help with the obsessions and compulsions and the anxiety that usually follows.  While most of the symptoms eased while taking the meds, I wasn't "me" anymore.  Everything was dulled.  I had no interests, no emotions and no feelings.  Should I have kept taking them?  Maybe.  I'm sure that if one of the side effects would have been weight loss, I would have been more able to deal with the "dullness" of me...but I gained weight...only making things worse.  So, here I am, trying to reason with myself.  Trying to make myself believe that I won't die if I go back to bed and wondering if all this is bad enough for me to go back on medications.  Am I truly seeing things the way they really are or is all this just some made up "reality?"  I wish I knew.